Optimising the Contents of your Bag

When I first read an article by Jeremy Clarkson where he complained about how women carry far too many things in their handbags, I chuckled, feeling strangely superior to all those lost women out there. I carry a big backpack – it makes me look 21 instead of almost 22 – but the bag was always nearly empty at the time.

Then I moved to the other end of the city and my bag became heavy. A big backpack became practical instead of being an accessory. If that’s not a sign of ageing, I don’t know what is. I started carrying things that I never had at all earlier – hand sanitizer, wet tissues, books to read on the metro, extra pens, notes, band aid, cough lozenges and God alone knows what else. I’m even a bit afraid of emptying out my bag these days because I don’t know what will turn up. And it’s not that the change occurred overnight. They are adaptations to problems – I had to face the prospect of eating with dirty hands, inexplicable injuries when I’m 30 minutes away from anything that’s even mildly familiar, a cold, boredom, guilt for not studying, and so on. After a month of shuttling between New Delhi and not-so-new Delhi in order to “pursue Economics at the Master's level”, I felt it’s about time Economics gave me something in return. I decided to apply what I had learnt to optimise the contents of my bag. I wanted to regain the respect that I once imagined Mr. Clarkson would have for me.

The first thing I discovered was that it helps to carry “big stuff”. This might seem counterintuitive, but the idea is to keep your bag clean and everything easy to find. If everything in your bag is large and heavy, you’re unlikely to carry anything you don’t need. It’s because the weight or space taken up by something is negligible that you throw it in and never take it out. For instance you would always remember to remove a big, heavy book once you finish reading it rather than a newspaper, 2-page notes, comics and suchlike. It also prevents you from buying crap that you’ll never take out. If you carry a small bottle you’ll invariably have many half-empty bottles of water you bought somewhere left in your bag.

The second rule is a monthly stock-taking. Ideally it should be weekly but it might not give you the same satisfaction because there won’t be as much rubbish and Mr. Clarkson will think you’re fastidious. Throw out everything you didn’t use that month. If everything you carry is pretty large, you might end up cleaning your room this way.

The third rule is not to carry substitutes. For instance you don’t need an iPod if it’s possible to load songs on to your phone, which will always be the case because it’s unlikely that you’re willing to spend on an iPod but not on a halfway decent phone. The iPod does give you an image advantage but that will be negated by the amount of crap you sift through in your bag to find it.

The fourth rule is never to buy anything unless you’re thoroughly psyched about it. That’s the only way you will remember to take it out of your bag when you get home. It will also prevent you from throwing in receipts that could line the bottom of your bag for many years.

The last rule is not to plan for contingencies. A lot of the material that I write is generated when I wind up in unfortunate circumstances. If I make it a point to carry everything I could possibly need when I fall, tear my lenses, get drenched in the rain, spill food on my clothes, find myself in a medical emergency or face the dilemma of ingesting food that could potentially cause jaundice, I wouldn’t have anything to write about.

Germans are "just awesome drivers"

Behavioural economists have concluded that Germans are “just awesome drivers.” The record for maximum grands prix won in a season is currently held by Michael Schumacher, and is now likely to be equalled by Sebastian Vettel. Pressed to explain why Germans are able to dominate entire seasons in such a manner, behavioural economists at the prestigious University of Wedonthaveanythingbettertodo claimed that their explanation is broad enough to answer similar questions regarding the rising number of popular German Formula 1 drivers such as Heinz-Harald Frentzen, Nick Heidfeld, Timo Glock, Nico Rosberg, Adrian Sutil and Ralf Schumacher. As to why none of these drivers actually live in Germany, their null hypothesis is “Germans just don’t like to pay taxes.” The study is expected to be completed in mid-2012. 

Game Theorist receives $2 for lost luggage

A top airline company reportedly compensated a top game theorist with $2 for his lost luggage based on the famous Traveller’s Dilemma formulated by Kaushik Basu.

“We just assumed that he would be rational so instead of going through the motions of telling him that another traveller has lost an identical item and that we would pay $2 extra to the passenger who claims a lower value, we just directly skipped to the Nash equilibrium outcome. Our corporate motto is to anticipate customer expectations and fulfil them and I think we have lived up to our reputation,” said an airline official on condition of anonymity.

The elated passenger commended the airline for its farsightedness and excellent grasp of rationality and game theory. “The ideal world is within reach now,” he declared.

Airlines are queuing up to offer exclusive services to game theorists and rational economic persons.  

Zerox it

I love how Xerox, complicated spelling and pronunciation notwithstanding, became a synonym for photocopy. Of course they now regret their own popularity and have been trying to rebrand themselves (mostly just by coming up with a new logo) so that people notice that they also provide “document management solutions”, whatever that is.

A few months ago, I noticed on the Delhi metro (which will soon become a synonym for spit-free public transport in India) that Parle Agro’s Kaccha Mango Bite advertised itself as “Kacche Aam ka Xerox”. My research informs me that they had to change it to “Kacche Aam ki Copy”, and later “Kacche Aam ka Zerox”, which doesn’t quite have the same zing to it. Not that I care; I’m no fan of raw mangoes anyway. My point is how fascinating it is to have an inadvertent advertisement (though it’s more likely to be seen as an infringement) within an advertisement.

I can just see the next toothpaste launch: “Colgate ka Xerox, McDonald’s ke daamon mein”.

Sale of "I am not Anna" caps to help Indian economy overtake China

In a dramatic turn of events, the recent charges of inflating travel bills against Kiran Bedi have led to a sharp spike in sales of “I am not Anna” caps.

“Well, my Facebook profile has not been very happening for a while now and I really need more likes for my photos,” said an ex-Anna Hazare supporter who did not wish to be identified.

“We followed the news closely after the Anna Hazare protests and placed the first order for ‘I am not Anna’ caps when Prashant Bhushan said something controversial about Kashmir. After that, things just kept getting better with Arvind Kejriwal being attacked in Lucknow and fined by the IRS for violating terms of employment,” said a Palika Bazaar shopkeeper.

“We had some excess stock of ‘I am Anna’ caps so we just added ‘not’ to get rid of what was left,” said a shopkeeper in Sarojini Nagar.

Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee applauded the trend and said it will help put the economy back on the path to high growth after the sharp dip in consumption caused by the Jan Lokpal hunger strike.

Prime Minister to reduce MSP by epsilon to control inflation

Indian Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh has decided to take stern measures against double digit food inflation by reducing minimum support prices for rice and wheat by epsilon, which is an arbitrarily small positive quantity.

“I just had to take stock of my life and wonder what the role of Economics was in it. And the answer was quite clear: it was about the same as my current role in the government. I’m there and I seem important but it would be unfair to say I did a terrible lot. So I decided to make a change.”

Economic theory often postulates that changing the parameters of the existing equilibrium by epsilon will upset the balance and lead to another dynamic adjustment process, something most economists prefer to wave their hands through or draw confusing arrows all over the place to describe.

Waving his left hand as he spoke and drawing an upward arrow on a hypothetical approval ratings sheet with his right, Dr. Singh explained that he expects the new equilibrium to be established at a healthy 5 percent level of inflation. When asked how he thought epsilon could effect this change, he said, “It’s pretty powerful.”

Economics is a Diva, research shows

Researchers who are paid to do research of this sort have found that Economics is a diva. “We conducted a structured study over many decades to obtain this result and it has been worth the effort,” says Thomas Smith of the University of Wedonthaveanythingbettertodo, who headed the study.

“We began by determining Economics’ gender, and that was quite simple because privileged white men have been obsessing over her for centuries,” said one of Dr. Smith’s enthusiastic interns.

“After years of thinking and figuring things out we decided that she is a diva because of certain behavioural traits that emerged,” another equally enthusiastic intern chimed in until Dr. Smith cut him off. “You see, she adopts the wayward children of Mathematics, Physics, Psychology and Sociology and gives them ridiculous names but has no children of her own. In addition to that, she has had affairs with nearly everyone from public policy to complex mathematics but she is still single.”

Not to be outdone, the visibly hurt intern whom Dr. Smith had cut off added, “Her marriage with political thought ended disastrously but the alimony made her rich enough to the live the rest of her life off it. She also spends a lot of time managing her public image and has a lot of money that she doesn’t exactly deserve.”

“A lot of people consider her insanely hot and go for her even though they know that she doesn’t have too much intrinsic value,” Dr. Smith concluded. 

What is Geekonomics?

That’s how almost every introductory Economics textbook that I have read began. Pretty sad, I agree. And when that’s followed by all that “allocating resources optimally” stuff, it really makes you wonder what possessed people like me to take it up in the first place.

There is much that is geeky about me these days. My glasses get thicker each year. I got retainers for my teeth at the rather too advanced age of 21. I stopped bothering with my hair a couple of years ago when I realised nobody noticed the difference when I forgot to do them one day. And I usually dress in loose kurtas and jeans - the trademark attire of social activists and the unemployed. 

Another reason why everyone (including me) should wonder why I took up Economics is I hate Maths, and Economics is really just Mathematics in disguise. My brain switches off, winds up for the day and leaves for some healthy meandering every time I see a page full of numbers and/or Greek alphabets. I suppose they don’t like using English alphabets because they are too easy to pronounce.

But the choice, it was made, and Economics I chose. So I’m doing exactly what economic models claim to do all the time, albeit in a wildly inaccurate and admirably haphazard fashion – stripping away unnecessary details and layers of complexity so that I can look at what I want to see. I present to you Geekonomics. 

I was travelling by the metro again. It's what I do. My association with the metro is a long and eventful one. The ladies' compartment is one of the best things about the metro. During my undergraduate days, the metro was still something of an elitist form of transport; it was new and shiny with the occasional “metro sahi hai” chants from first-time users. Today it's as bad as a blueline bus. In the ladies' compartment you have the privilege of only having to claw your way in without punching or kicking. 

But since there are no "gents" in the compartment, the ladies are very "adjusting". A bench designed for 7 people always has at least 8 people sitting on it, and often 9 or 10. To begin with, let’s assume the utility from getting a seat on the metro, no matter how little the space, is very high because it’s like winning a game of musical chairs; so high that it’s greater than the aggregate disutility to those already seated from having to accommodate an extra person. Let’s also assume that each person's marginal utility from getting a seat is directly proportional to the distance they have to travel, and that the utility from standing is zero. After the eleventh person, the marginal utility from being seated should turn negative, or you could say that seating is maximised with a constraint of 11 per bench. This is not an arbitrary number – it is the empirically observed maximum with daily observations made over a year. The utilitarian school of thought will tell you that Indians are the best utility maximisers ever. 

The Rawlsians aren't going to be so happy about it, though. They think the worst off should get a seat, i.e. those travelling the longest distances should have a chance to sit. Then to optimise under this school of thought, everyone should get up once they've had a seat for more than half their journey and seats will be shared on a rolling basis. It is possible that total utility is higher this way since there is likely to be less disutility from seat sharing. Also, if we adopt this method, senior citizens, heavily pregnant women and women with annoying children should definitely be offered seats by their younger, career-oriented peers. This doesn't happen on the Delhi metro. No, really. Indians would completely fail this test. 

So I suppose somewhere in our heads we're utilitarians. We can't stand to see an inch of empty space on the bench. We have to fill it up with our asses. Pareto optimisation? All public utilities in India are used many times over their capacity. Under-utilisation is an alien concept here. It's only meant for balding white men with thick glasses and a morning shadow: what a geekonomist would look like if I were a white male.