Kiran Bedi to be flogged

Gandhian Anna Hazare, whose claim to fame was flogging a dead horse, has declared that Team Anna member Kiran Bedi will be tied to a tree and flogged publicly next week for inflating travel bills. Preparations for the event are underway.

Feminists are have protested the move, arguing that Bedi is being targeted because she is a woman, and more deserving candidates like Kejriwal and Bhushan have been overlooked simply because “Mr. Hazare is awfully sexist.”

Despite the media attention, however, Team Anna members spoke of the event quite casually. “It’s really not that big a deal. They used to burn witches at the stake in Europe. We’re just flogging her,” said a spokesperson.

Meanwhile, drunks in Ralegan Siddhi where Annaji first instituted the holy practice of flogging drunkards in temples have suffered emotional breakdowns following the news. “I really thought I was special, that it meant something to him. And now he’s flogging pretty much everyone. In front of TV cameras. It’s shameful, shameful!” a former floggee cried.

"You're lying to yourselves," PCI Head tells Indian media

Former Supreme Court justice Markandey Katju, who is now the head of the Press Council of India, is facing a backlash from the Indian media for suggesting that they have poor journalistic standards, as opposed to this page.

Holding up a copy of Mail Today which had a picture of the Duke and the Duchess of Cambridge on the front page with “Kiss Me Kate!” written below it, Mr. Katju said, “Seriously. What is this?” to his interviewer, Mr. Karan Thapar, who nodded grimly.

“I want to have more teeth,” Mr. Katju continued, examining his dentures. “I want the power to regulate the electronic media, I want the power to stop government advertisements, I want power, power, power!” he exclaimed with an evil laugh. 

Exciting day at court today

The 2G scam trial, arguably the most awaited event of the year in India, kicked off yesterday. The who’s who of the business world and the political world are expected to attend the event, which will span several months. Nominations for a life term have been received by 17 stars, and it is expected to be a closely fought battle.

Leading the pack is Reliance – 11 of the 28 witnesses in the first batch are from the Reliance ADAG group, and are spearheading a campaign to renovate Tihar jail to make it a world class prison. Unitech Wireless and Swan Telecom have lent their support to this movement.

All eyes, however, will be on the nation’s sweetheart, Kanimozhi. She is expected to ditch international designers and wear an Indian outfit to this no-carpet event. The ceremony will be hosted by the charismatic Ram Jethmalani. 

Australia sets new test record: 47 all out

No, seriously. 

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/sport/sports-fix/aussies-crash-to-47-all-out-their-lowest-test-total-in-109-years/story-fn89guyk-1226189876750

Chinese government unhappy with Eric Schmidt

The Chinese government has reacted strongly to Google Chairman Eric Schmidt condemning their censorship policies. In its official response, the Chinese government said, “We have allowed them to make products that don’t require censorship. It is a huge market and we are asking them to operate under a few restrictions. They don’t have to be decadent capitalistic pigs about it.”

Defending the government’s censorship policy, a spokesperson for the government said, “We only censor things that nobody needs to know. We’re just like good parents who protect their children from harsh realities. We want our people to be happy. Sometimes erasing a part of your memory is a good thing. Haven’t you watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?”

On being reminded that the movie actually suggests that the reverse is true, he whispered, “Not in the version that hit Chinese screens.”

Sarkozy’s foot to be permanently inserted in his mouth

French President Nicolas Sarkozy is due to undergo a minor surgery this Saturday to permanently insert his foot in his mouth. Following his unsavoury and embarrassing remarks about Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, Sarkozy has decided that the procedure will save him much time and effort.

“People are quite superficial and their expectations are often based on appearances. I want people to judge me correctly at first glance,” said the small Frenchman.

“If a taller man spoke like he does, the procedure would have been much more complicated. Fortunately, Mr. Sarkozy is short enough for the procedure to be completed in a matter of minutes. In fact, we expect that he will manage to perform the surgery himself,” said his doctor. 

Manmohan buys Mamata flowers, chocolates

A tiff between local couple Mamata and Manmohan was resolved amicably today with the latter buying flowers and chocolates to appease the lady. Softening her stance on leaving Manmohan for good, a visibly calmer Mamata agreed to forgive him. “He did not know about the fuel price hikes and he has promised me that he won’t do it again without informing me,” she beamed.

Manmohan is said to have explained his part in the matter, taking full responsibility for providing credence to the theory that raising petrol prices will divert attention from inflation.  

“He said there will be no hike in the prices of kerosene, diesel and LPG. He has even agreed to work on his excise duty addiction. I’ve promised to support him and I’m going to cut down on my sales tax habit too,” she said.

“We’ll make it work,” nodded Manmohan happily. 

Advani is emotional as Rajnath calls him PM material

No, seriously. 

http://www.hindustantimes.com/India-news/NewDelhi/Advani-is-emotional-as-Rajnath-calls-him-PM-material/Article1-766498.aspx

Game Theory Atheist emerges

Local man Pramod Thakur has strongly criticised game theorists for spending a lot of time agonising over what he calls “just semantics”. A well-known game theory atheist, Thakur is also believed to worship pagan gods like common sense.

“It’s just a case of poor problem phrasing. If we didn’t get into these ‘I know that you know that I know...’ cycles, and simply started with ‘we all know’, the solutions would be more intuitive and the reasoning less complex. It is rather unrealistic to assume that everyone knows how to solve a problem and will solve it exactly as we predict.”

He cites Prisoner’s Dilemma as a case in point. “Earlier, most people would have chosen to cooperate, but game theory came along and messed things up for criminals. We used to understand that we all have to work towards something mutually beneficial to expect a good outcome. If we deviate, the other guy will beat the crap out of us when he finds us. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from gangster movies, it is that there will be revenge.”

“If it’s somebody else’s problem, leave it alone,” he sums up. 

The Perils of Optimisation and the Gift of Time

One of the most important skills required for someone who has to spend a lot of time travelling everyday is the ability to convince oneself that it really is “the gift of time”. It turns out, however, that when you have so many ways to kill time, such a gift really can’t be taken lightly. So I set about my optimisation exercise like I often do (somewhat unnecessarily). Of course I was only concerned with making optimal use of the time I spent travelling because that was the only “additional gift” I perceived – the rest of it was wasted exactly as before.

I took this optimisation exercise rather seriously so I constantly tried to read faster on the metro so that I wouldn’t have to carry the book around for too long (I’m not sure what my reasoning was for this because I always replaced it with an equally heavy book). While changing trains I’d hurriedly create playlists while running up the stairs, often running into people or nearly falling down. I was something of a nuisance to other passengers. All this running around was, of course, to pretend that I was following some sort of exercise regimen. I also wanted to minimise travel time because I did recognise that everything I did on the metro was just very organised time wasting.

I started planning fastidiously for the next day’s commute, often spending more time planning than I did travelling. My plans were overambitious. I almost always fell short of my goals and I would get off the metro thoroughly exhausted, relieved to have reached home/college so that I could waste time out of my pre-existing quota in a more regular fashion.

I try not to optimise too much these days. There's a time and place for everything.

  

CAT candidates to wear electronic tags

Following multiple violations of the Non-Disclosure Agreement that over 2 lakh aspirants across the country sign before taking the Common Admission Test (CAT), the IIMs have decided that all candidates who appear for the test must wear electronic tags similar to those sported by criminals out on parole. In addition to location, the tags will track all electronic communication by the wearer.

“We noticed that a lot of people are not as ethical as we expected them to be. While our ingenious system can’t prevent people from verbally discussing questions since there would be no evidence, we will endeavour to control the speed with which our papers are made public on social networking sites,” said Janaki Raman Moorthy, convener, CAT 2011.

“For someone conducting an entrance exam for a management degree, they sure suck at management,” said a candidate whose electronic tag began beeping wildly when he sent in this comment. 

Imran Khan to engage in some light politicking

Pakistani cricketer-turned-politician Imran Khan has found that issues like corruption, inflation, education and unemployment, about which he has held many drawing room discussions over the past 15 years, are not half as interesting as Kashmir.

“Led Zeppelin never sang a song called Inflation, did they?” reasoned the Oxford-educated Khan. Reaching out to a wider audience and cutting down the length of his speech to a crisp 50 minutes, he addressed a rally attended by 100,000 people in Lahore, hoping that they would vote for him based on his ability to deliver speeches that only render about 23.7 percent of the audience comatose.

After suffering a humiliating defeat in the 1997 elections, supporting Musharraf’s military coup in 1999 and withdrawing support just before the elections, receiving 0.8 percent of the total votes cast in the 2002 elections and finally boycotting the 2008 elections, Mr. Khan is optimistic about the 2013 elections. “We can only go up from here,” he said. 

Anna Hazare unable to lose last 6 pounds

Even after two rounds of fasting, anti-obesity crusader Anna Hazare has been unable to achieve his ideal weight. “At the end of the last hunger strike he was quite happy with the results, but he soon started regaining the pounds. He was so upset that he refused to speak to anybody,” said a Team Anna member.

But Mr. Hazare has refused to give up. Understanding the importance of a positive body image for the youth of the nation, he has decided to go on a fast yet again to show them that determination is everything and that the perfect figure is attainable for everyone.

Looking to espouse a cause that would inspire many to join him and thereby motivate him to see his weight loss plan through, Mr. Hazare has dropped the campaigning “against” political parties idea and decided to protest match-fixing by Pakistani cricketers instead, a cause that is expected to garner massive support because they haven’t played good cricket in years. 

EU wants WTO talks to be more fun

The European Union has suggested a change in the agenda for the WTO's eighth ministerial conference, which will be held in Geneva. Representatives from the Eurozone claimed that they are exhausted after the Greek debt crisis and would like to take a break and discuss something “light and breezy”.

“It’s been a decade since the Doha Round started and it’s quite clear at this point that we’re not getting anywhere. Why can’t we ever talk about how to mix a good drink or where our wives buy diamonds for a change?” wrote an unidentified EU representative in the informal trade negotiations committee.

The WTO remained cautious in its response. “I suppose a few rounds of blackjack or golf wouldn’t hurt,” said Pascal Lamy, Director General of the World Trade Organization.